The Feeling I Know Best

I don’t like coming home from college. Of course I enjoy a break from schoolwork, but coming home takes so much out of me. Here’s a list of why it’s so hard for me to be here:

1. This house makes me angry. We moved into our current house when I was seven or eight, and even then, young Bre hated it. I didn’t have a reason then and I barely have a reason now. When I came home everyday after school during my sophomore year, I thought about burning my house down. If it wasn’t connected to two other house I might’ve done it, but I didn’t. Ever since I got home for summer vacation,  I’ve gone to bed angry, woken up angry, went out angry, and came back angry. Somehow, my mom managed to create a living environment that deters my sister and creates such rage in me that I cry alone. This house holds more than a roof over my head and I don’t want to deal with it anymore. 
2. The adults in my life don’t listen to me. My mom works a lot so it’s understandable why she hasn’t had time for any problem I’ve had since the seventh grade. Sometimes, I’ll express something and she’ll throw me a loving, motherly, “Get a grip and get over yourself,” which is really nice because I think I really needed her to tell me my problems weren’t real problems, especially in those words. That’s what every daughter wants from her mom, right? My dad comes in and out of the picture. He likes his participation ribbon that I award him every now and then, too, because he also has no idea what to say, when to say it, or how to help me. My parents don’t listen and they cannot help me. 
3. Financial instability haunts me even though it’s not my fault. This one is probably the longest one. I don’t entertain the idea that ‘money can’t buy happiness’ because give me some money and watch me smile. I’ve got a job that my mom still has to drive me to at NINETEEN RIPE ASS YEARS OLD. I altered my availability so that it would be more convenient for her, yet she still can’t take me? It’s too taxing on her? She has all this running around to do and gets upset when she has to get gas, but I didn’t make he have kids that she and my father couldn’t support financially or emotionally? If I had my license, I would be a fully functioning adult. I could buy my own car and be on my own time rather than rely on and accommodate to other people. And I think that’s the problem with my mother. My sister refuses to come back home after she graduates and I’m starting to feel the same way, except I’m three years younger. The problem is that as soon as we become fully functioning adults, we will not need our mother anymore. We will not return. And I think that scares my mother. She doesn’t want us to grown the hell up because my sister and I have run out of patience, anger, and energy. Money has ruled our lives for far too long. I used to ask for things and my mom would go, “Well maybe if you had four parents like *insert friend name here* maybe you’d have this, that, and those, but you don’t. Get over it,” and she would say these things as if they were my fault. But I didn’t ask to be here. I didn’t ask for parents that birthed me because they had to, not because they wanted to. But then again, I forgot another famous line from dear old Mom; “Nobody asked you what you wanted.”

I’m angry, and I’d like to believe that my feelings are justified even if no one will tell me they are. And the best part is, I wrote this while sitting about five feet away from my mom, and she can’t see me crying. She didn’t see me crying in the passenger seat next to her this morning, either. Or the other day when she took me to work. Why am I crying? Because I can’t talk to her. She doesn’t get it. Maybe one day, I’ll get a grip.